My Big Debut

Some of you know that I have been taking guitar lessons over the summer. I love it so much and really got the hang of it quickly. I even started writing my own songs about everything from ‘my backyard’ to ‘saying goodbye to close friends’. The writing was very therapeutic. There was one song I wrote about my mom and it was very personal and hard to write but I felt better about things once I got the words on the page. It was like purging myself of deep rooted feelings I had inside. Pretty amazing. Anyway, a couple months ago I knew the cast party was coming up and that they were going to have a program for the actors and crew to share their talents and I knew I had to play and sing. I set a goal for myself. I practiced very hard almost every day. Some days I played for over and hour. I was a little self conscious about performing one of my own songs so I memorized a country song that I loved by Patty Griffin and challenged myself to learn how to pluck the first part of the song instead of just strumming all the way through. I had Roger show me a simple plucking pattern and then I asked Nancy to help me. Nancy is in charge of the costume shop at Tuacahn and an accomplished musician. She played in the pre-show for Les Miserables and I would often go up and watch her play. I asked if I could sing back-up with her on one of the nights and I had such a blast. She and I hit it off right away and so it was only natural that I had her help me out for the cast party show. Nancy and I got together a couple nights before the cast party and solidified what songs we were going to do. We planned to do one song that Nancy wrote with me and Cynthia, a fellow cast member, singing harmonies. I decided to do two songs with Nancy playing guitar with me and she would harmonize on one of the songs. I had also written a fun parody song and planned to have some boys in the cast sing that. I was so stoked and really jumped in with both feet, I just had this passion for all that I was doing for the show and couldn’t wait! So, the night came and I was so excited I could hardly contain myself. It was my chance on a very small scale to be a rock star! I had always wanted to front a band and here I was!! But then things started to unravel a bit…I was tuning my guitar and one of the guys that I asked to sing the fun parody song came up and said he hadn’t learned the song, I was cool with it. There were two more guys so no big deal. I went over to one of them and he hadn’t learned the song and come to find out neither had the third guy. I was resigned to the fact that I would be singing the song, but the “sewer girls” in the cast would still do a little dance break so it would be cute. So, I was all ready to rock and then I found out that Cynthia had a very busy week and was unable to learn the harmonies for Nancy’s song. Still on a “Rockers High” I thought, well it will just be two part harmony instead of three. The night drew on and by the time it was my turn my stomach was in knots, I hadn’t been able to eat anything and just wanted to get up there!! My two songs were slower paced and thoughtful and I was coming behind maybe two or three other songs of a slower tempo. It was no one’s fault it just turned out that way because we had to depart from the original plan, but the party was “dying” and there I was…I had Cynthia video tape my songs and during my first song a cast member came up to her and said, “…what about this music, huh? They need to up this party or I’m going home…” (I had no idea that was said until afterwards, so I will get to that in a minute.) After my songs, I sang the parody by myself and most of the “sewer girls” had gone home so I was left to work my own charm to make it fly. It worked well. So, now I was done and didn’t realize that we didn’t even do Nancy’s song until after I got home that night. I was so happy getting into my car but that happiness was mixed with a feeling of vulnerability, I mean I just did a pretty scary thing in front of a bunch of awesomely talented people and it was intimidating. So, when I started watching the tape on my way home and heard what had been said, it really hurt my feelings. My initial thought was, “Some people don’t even get it. I worked so hard to achieve a goal that was very important to me and they just don’t get it”. So, Regardless of the fact that my close friends stuck it out and cheered me on and others stayed and supported and gave compliments afterwards, I couldn’t help but take it personal. I cried that night and the day afterwards, and poor Roger got an ear full as I vented to him all that was going on inside me through blubbering tears. The thing is I knew the person who made the comment didn’t mean it the way it came out, it was NOT personal, but I took it pretty hard anyway. So, what did I learn from this experience? First, it is tough when one is so passionate about something and almost everyone around them doesn’t share in that passion. Second, singing and playing an instrument is a very intimate and personal thing. And it is hard when people take it for granted; I have a new respect for musicians and what they do. But most importantly, I learned that regardless of this rough beginning I still love performing with my guitar and I will continue to do so. I got some great compliments that night and the night afterwards. I am trying to focus on those positive comments and allow the negative one to become something I can look back on and laugh at in the years to come. I played back the tape today and saw the look on my face as I was ignorantly performing up there and I was just glowing! I was nervous at first, but then there is this moment a few seconds in where I just close my eyes and relax and the rest of the performance is pure bliss. I was a Rock Star in my own mind. I allowed myself to get carried away and it is magical to watch…